FREE to BE. We ALL hold our own KEY – SEE it to BELIEVE it.
Mirror Mirror on the wall, I no longer know my mind at all.
WHO AM I NOW?
I asked myself this question at the start of 2016 when I looked at myself in the mirror and could no longer identify the person I saw. I was so sad and lost and could no longer think straight, I was confused, to say the least. Everything I thought I was, did not seem to fit anymore.
I looked at myself and thought of all the things I had been labelled over the years and how they now ‘appeared’ to fit the person I was looking at. I saw a troublemaker, a nuisance, a time-waster, a dreamer, a waste of human life. I was not good enough for anyone or anything.
I was a failure as a mother, a partner and as a human being. I was a disappointment in every possible way. I was never going 2 be anybody. I was 2 weird, 2 sensitive, 2 idealistic, 2 short, 2 fat, 2 ‘this’, 2 ‘that’ and overall ‘2’ much of everything. I really was such a hypocrite that the best thing that I could do would be to remove myself from this life and stop pretending to be someone I was not.
To be honest I knew deep down in my SOUL this was not true, apart from the fact that I was pretending to be someone I was not and I was in ‘2’ minds. That part was the KEY – My 2 minds. My conscious mind and my subconscious mind and HOW they were PLAYING one another.
YET as hard as I fought and thought that I could stop myself from falling, I fell. When I thought I could fall no further I did, and into the abyss, I went – back to a place I had never thought that I could revisit. #aliceinwonderland Somehow ‘this time’ it appeared darker than before and I could not understand WHY because I truly did not believe that anything could appear as dark again, so WHY did this?.
What I could not see at the time was how my past had played through this most recent experience and had magnified and added past fears, emotions and feelings to this one. I was living in more than one experience. #posttraumaticstress
I felt like every bone in my body was broken and my heart had been ripped out through my chest. I was in pain, I hurt, I ached and I was very much alone in the dark and the cold. I was not about to call out to anyone because I just wanted to be left alone to grieve, to actually feel what I needed to feel and to not have to pretend to be anything to anyone other than what I was right there, totally broken and defeated by what I saw and felt was an injustice.
In the quiet and the darkness I could hear nothing but my own thoughts and they were screaming at me from many different angles, I could not escape them because I did not know how to get away from them. Which way was up? which way was forward? and so I lay there while they continued to scream at me. I just wanted it all to STOP – the pain, the thoughts, the emotions, I wanted PEACE. I was done with life, with people, with everything and all the bullshit.
All of my time seemed to become consumed with thoughts of how and when I was going to end it but I still kept going through the motions of working and trying to hold ‘something’ together until I felt like I was going insane and my mind was going to explode.
When I thought I could not stand anymore and at my lowest when I felt I had no other option of escape and HOPE was fading, the face of a cherub came into mine. As hard as I tried to block that face, it would not leave. I got angry for not being able to block that face and I wanted my conscious mind to not care about that face because TRULY was I any good for him anyway? yet he stayed with me in my 2 minds.
It was then spirit stirred and I knew I had to move because I did not want to leave that ONE face in this world asking ‘why’?. At that moment I knew that I had to do it right there and then so I made the hardest phone call I felt I had made. I called for HELP and I made an appointment to speak with a professional counsellor for the following day.
When THOUGHT tried to talk me out of going I made sure I went, even though I was still believing that all that I was ‘feeling’ was possibly an excuse for not moving and that maybe I was choosing to be a victim. My 2 minds were playing one another but I got there and after I had spoken about everything I was feeling physically, emotionally and mentally – I was HEARD, I was validated, I was not dismissed or disempowered for speaking MY TRUTH. I was WORTHY of receiving another persons’ TIME to HELP me move forward
.
I knew of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and I know it exists but at first, I did not want to acknowledge to SELF that what I had described was in fact PTSD until I decided to change that thought and LEARN to give myself permission to FEEL so that I could move forward. I wanted to change because I did not want to feel this way any longer and I told my counsellor I could not do another 50 like the last 50.
I explained to him that I felt that I was stuck in the mud in my wellies. I knew that I was able to move inside those wellies but the boots were stuck – not me. I needed help to tip myself forward enough to touch the edge where the ground had enough firmness so I could get some grip. I could pull myself out and crawl if I needed but I wanted ‘out’ of the mud.
As I found myself talking to a complete stranger and over TIME, I was able to talk about things that I had never told another soul about. I still did not tell him everything because I had a pattern to be careful of who to trust in total. I also remembered how systems worked and that I had said things in my past that were misinterpreted by non-professional persons. I remembered how certain people had formed their own personal interpretation and had caused me more grief than the presenting problem I had spoken about but I did speak of a lot.
The more I spoke to him, I said I had come to the realisation (conscious mind) that I could not only look at this recent event but that I needed to look at my whole life and the pattern (subconscious mind) that I had developed and I saw a light turn on right there as I said it.
For ‘ME’, the more I spoke the more I saw and the more I understood about myself and my life. The patterns I had developed because of my past instilled FEARS (I had subconsciously kept locked behind doors since childhood where we are ‘initiated’ into a life cycle of programs) and how much I was trying to be someone that I never was, purely because I never felt I was enough and because I did not ‘fit’. With each revelation the brighter the light became.
Over TIME I gave myself permission to take the lead role of the WOMAN that I AM and acknowledged how the scared, frightened child did not need to fear anymore and that I would not abandon her or let her be hurt any further by insensitive bullies and I found some PEACE within. It was a turning point and one that my counsellor understood and I felt empowered for what I saw, the FIRST door was unlocked.
Once I had unlocked this first door I had not been ready for the corridor of doors that would be flung open as a result of that and how overwhelming it was to SEE just how much I had shut behind many doors while I was busy trying to ‘BE’ someone I was not because ’systems’ and others had told me that I was 2 this 2 that, because I did not fit into the box. I recall how totally exhausted I was on one particular night when I felt as though opening that first door was the worst thing I could have done but it wasn’t, I just needed SUPPORT as I found my feet, and I did.
I was STANDING on my own feet and was striding ahead when a certain person decided to ‘test’ me again. I was able to speak with my counsellor and felt stronger within to cope which I did at the time. I did manage to keep myself from falling back into the mud but I did not see how the persistence of this disturbed person would push me into my future. #backtothefuture
My counsellor and I parted ways, I was walking a new path and I was feeling positive with the tools I was given and utilising to build the framework that fitted for ME. I would have to walk alone in more ways than I had thought but as I did lose more than I thought I would, I gained more than I had ever imagined. I have always been a loner but the loneliest times in my life have been in my personal relationships. (I SEE why NOW).
PART 2
To the end of 2016 (that I bothered to keep notes for), there were definitely ‘things’ happening around me and I could feel myself getting frustrated and angry. In my efforts to not go backwards, I was not going forwards and without realising it, I stepped back into the mud in my wellies. NOW I was angry!
My heart could take no more pain and one morning it told me, my heart threw me a spanner. I was determined to ignore it so it made more of an effort to get my attention and against my first thoughts, I knew that I had to call an ambulance. I went for a ride to the hospital and all the time thinking F**K, how did I let this happen again but it was where I needed to go to SEE what I needed to see and to HEAR what I needed to hear and THE UNIVERSE knew that.
Day 1.
I was too knocked out with painkillers and repeating what stress I had been under for a long time to different Doctors that wanted to ‘identify’ what caused my pain. It was not a heart attack but it was a spasm, a message that ENOUGH was ENOUGH.
Day 2.
As I was laying in bed, I watched the interactions of the patients in the four-bed ward that I was in. I was watching how people spoke and treated everyone in different ways:-
- the people who served the food,
- the people who cleaned,
- the people who made the beds,
- the people who visited,
- the nursing staff and then
- the DOCTORS
As I slept and woke with the noise around me:-
- mobile phones
- Doctors coming and asking questions
- Nurses doing observations and
- other things
I said to The Universe – “I do not want to be here and I need to get out, what do I do NOW, what is my TRUE purpose in life?”
I realise that I was in a certain state of mind when I was asking this and as I have always known and been shown in TIMES when I have asked, I have received the answers I need. It is a practice I have done since I was young and I have always been given the answer and I have always been protected by a higher source. I KNOW It, I have always KNOWN it but I had learned to deny it as REAL.
Like a rocket, the words ‘Be the Doctor’ landed in my ‘conscious mind’ and as soon as I heard those words, I knew what they meant. I SAW that I had to look far beyond the NOW to become The Doctor (Doctor Who?) of my life and to HEAL myself and I felt a pain release. I saw how I had become trapped in my past time in this time trying to be heard but ‘as a child’ who was not heard because she did not fit within systems that did not recognise ENERGY.
I would give myself permission to listen to the voice of comfort and compassion that sat with me when I was lost and lonely, the voice that spoke to me from childhood that I learnt not to speak about – my unseen friend. The voice that I would have to visit the cemetery to talk to, the place where no one laughs at you for talking to ‘yourself’. My place of comfort where I could talk with others. Hospitals too are filled with many unseen others.
I was ready to go and I was ready to start immediately and I did. I got out of the hospital that day and my life started changing that very day. I knew that I more to tap into and that would come to me in a few months time but I did make the first payment for my first theta healing course, FOR ME. I then went away for a holiday and MY WORLD started to come back to me. All of the dreams and imaginary MAGIC I had locked behind one door after another door because I was labelled a ‘Daydreamer’ who needed to pay attention in class.
I wrote a story that delights me enormously while I was away on this ‘vacation’. I have always had the vision but I was denied my right to dream and I was put inside box after box after box because I did not fit in the box that was NOT a box that I had designed for ME but a box designed by ‘others’.
In May 2017, I would do my FIRST theta healing course that gave me a key to ‘test myself’ on programs that I had ‘believed’ I had changed but my subconscious mind had not. This first three-day course that my inner child had resisted going to because it was in a classroom environment was to give me that first key. That key did fit the LOCK that was on my heart that had long denied ME my right to LOVE ME just as I AM.
THINK right NOW as you read this about the association of LOCKS and HEARTS that is as OLD as TIME itself. Heart padlocks on charm bracelet’s, the lock’s to show LOVE on bridges, heart lockets, the list continues.
LOVE begins with SELF and unless ONE understands and knows SELF-LOVE and SELF-WORTH, the journey to discovery may need extensive recovery. We are born LOVE yet we are also born into programs of conditioning. I am able to clearly see how I went all around the houses to come back home.
HOME is where the HEART is – WITHIN us.
How simple it is yet how confused it can become if we listen to mind TWO and fail to understand and TUNE IN to the HIGHEST mind POWER named ‘ONE’.
Teach the meaning of that ONE word ‘LOVE’, its honest VALUE, the RESPECT it is asking the GUARDIAN of the HEART to give it and watch LIFE change RIGHT before your eyes for the better of ONE and ALL.
The love ONE goes in search of
is WITHIN our very OWN heart
travelling all around the houses
we come back to where it starts
I continue to challenge thoughts and question ‘adopted’ programs that are not serving me for my greater good. It is a lifelong journey that I know I will never finish but the more I uncover and discover the more I AM free.
I do not fear never knowing everything as no person ever will but my wish is that EVERY PERSON would ‘mind their own business’ and work on ‘their own business of mind’ for their own sake and ‘for sake of others’.
What a wonderful world we live in when ONE sees that LOVE is ALL there is and it all starts with SELF.
No ONE is YOU and that is your POWER – BELIEVE IT.
NAMASTE
I AM a child of the UNIVERSE – In and Out – Forever throughout.
Author – I AM Gopher It
