Do not confuse WORTH with money. I AM WORTH blue.
I AM grateful for having ‘SERVED TIME’ in an establishment and for KNOWING my VALUE called INTEGRITY.
I LEARNT the skills I needed from the BEST OF THE BULLIES who taught me.
SWEET INNER CHILD of mine – I apologise for ALL you knew and ALL that I LEARNT to SHUT DOWN about you.
As a child, I wanted to join the circus
I got my wish but NOT my SOUL purpose
40 years of age to get up to this STAGE
To SEE how I had stepped back into a cage
How on this EARTH did I BELIEVE
This was the place for me to achieve
MY DREAM, MY WISH to help others ‘like me’
Tomorrow people who FAIL to fit in with bureaucracy?
My life learning, my knowledge of abuse
Sweet inner child, I apologise for my excuse
I knew from the start what my SOUL was telling me
I allowed a determination to fight on and deny her ability
To see the TRUTH of what she saw
I subjected her to ALL things we abhor
I finally surrendered to what I was denying
My SOUL, my INNER CHILD was indeed dying
Serving time was to ‘G’ift me ONE sure thing
LEARN the system, the LAST place I did not fit in
There is always a positive and for that, I know
I have written a particular book that tells it so
The skills I LEARNT would be what I needed
When my RIGHTS for help went unheeded
NEVER again will I be shut down
I LIVE to be FREE, no longer BULLIED by clowns.
I AM WORTH BLUE.
I SEE clearly WHY my INNER CHILD was determined to follow a particular career path and what drove me to do that.
For the inner child, I make this statement that may sound silly or small but is BIG. “My favourite colour is BLUE”. It always has been but as a child, I thought that BLUE was taken.
My older sister’s favourite colour was BLUE and when we had clothes we usually had the same but in different colours and BLUE was always ‘taken’ which meant I had red or pink or orange etc but rarely BLUE so I thought I was NOT WORTH blue.
As I said, as silly as that may sound, it was this type of simple thing and other ‘little?’ things that made me FEEL that I was not ‘worth’. Over time I felt that I needed to look for other answers to suit an expectation yet all the while I was learning to deny what I did love.
From little things, BIG things GROW. I started a mind program where I looked for another answer to satisfy what I believed I was not permitted to have.
Regardless of how any other person saw me, I was lonely as a child and although there are things I was told by family that essentially should have made me FEEL important, I did not FEEL that way.
As an adult, HOPEFULLY, we are able to view the bigger picture and see things more clearly but as a child, I felt lost and different for being a ‘dreamer’.
Over time, my love for the colour blue, my passion for justice and my intolerance of bullies and predators who got away with things they did would DRIVE me to the place I initially BELIEVED would be where I could be my best and make a difference to the lives of others.
Ironically I saw the truth very quickly in my training yet I was determined to PROVE my SOUL wrong so my SPIRIT ignored her pleas to quit and dragged her along for the ride while she screamed and kicked.
I AM most GRATEFUL to the Universe for the injury that forced me to acknowledge to self that I was not where I was supposed to be and that I was dying a slow death by staying. I had learnt what I needed to learn and I was to get out.
MY LIFE makes perfect sense to me NOW but it would take a second BIG fall and the stress that my heart could no longer take while trying to have ‘the colour blue’ acknowledge their inaction? to set me on the journey into my future.
Never have I been so grateful to be ALL that I never was to be all that I AM – FREE.
HOW powerful is a subconscious program? – I BELIEVE it needs to be VIEWED for its TRUTH.
TRUE crime interested me since I was very young and I have done a lot of study since then. I recall my Mum saying words to the effect of “You have a morbid fascination with death” which was not true, I actually was interested in WHAT made people commit horrific crimes. I was interested in the way the human mind worked without understanding THEN why, but it is all clear to me now and has been for some time.
My first REAL memory of knowing murders were a part of current life was when ’The Black Panther’ made the news in England (where we were living then) and I heard it.
For this, I am grateful as my parents restricted television and we were not allowed to watch violent programs but this news that I did hear stirred my brain.
In ENGLAND we lived near a particular Woods and although we were told NOT to go to the woods alone, I would as I was a loner and found comfort there.
On one particular day that I was in the woods, I had an experience that imprinted greatly in my mind. I was to know how fast my legs could run.
I had man appear from behind a large bush that had been ‘shaking’ and had got my attention. As I had approached it, he walked from behind it completely dressed in black leathers and was walking towards me, looking at me while gripping the top of his black glove pulling it tighter on his hand. I FROZE briefly until ‘The Voice in my head’ told me to run.
This incident frightened me to the point where I thought he knew where I lived and would come to get me. I feared he would get a ladder and would come and climb into my bedroom that I shared with my sister and it definitely changed my carefree belief that I was safe in the woods which had been a sanctuary.
I had associated this man in my mind to ‘The Black Panther’, regardless whether he was or not, that mind association may have saved me from an experience I do not entertain.
I recall leaving England and moving to Australia when the Yorkshire Ripper was just in the news and I remember reading the book on Peter Sutcliffe in the 80’s and wondered HOW he could have fooled his wife and other people who knew him, it did not make sense to me but the more I read on crimes and serial killers etc, the more I saw HOW clever, cunning, manipulative, creative they are. I also looked at their childhood experiences and relationships with their parents, families, society.
Over the years it always intrigued me. I am not a criminal profiler, psychologist, psychiatrist and I am not saying I am. I think of the likes of Ian Brady and Myra Hindley, David and Catherine Birnie, Barrie Watts and Valmae Beck and I wondered HOW a couple could be so sadistically motivated to work as a team to terrorise another person/s. I also think of Ivan Milat and the evidence that suggests that he did not work alone and again I wonder WHO could engage with another in terrorising victims to such a degree with no remorse or conscience? and for what INTENTION.
I always wondered, HOW does it start, what drives a person to start but the more I looked at patterns in family relationships, abuse, ‘dys?/function?’, the ‘norms’, the more pieces of the puzzle fitted for me.
Once I began studying, I initially thought I wanted to be a Counsellor or Psychologist but once I commenced study I realised that was not what I wanted to be and what I was learning was family dynamics and social ideals that I realised related to me.
I was stepping into a whole new world, a journey of self-discovery and I was suddenly awake and wanting to learn more. I was waking up to ME, MY FAMILY, SOCIETY, MY LIFE LEARNING and my knowing of things that I was never able to explain or be heard for.
I remained private about MY life since I was young because I learned that people could be dismissive, cruel and BRAND another as ‘WEIRD’ or as having an active imagination which ‘I’ (as a child) perceived as being called a LIAR which I am NOT.
The pattern that I would start to accept, that was to become a subconscious program, would do me more damage than good but as a child I ‘misunderstood’ the conditioning, the BULLYING that I was accepting. I was to become a confidante to self and to others who told me many ‘secrets’ over the years, secrets that should never be kept quiet.
No longer do I fear and I shall not stay SILENT so that others are able to stay comfortable.
A lie maybe fast but TRUTH does catch up regardless of who you are.
Author – I AM Gopher It
